I was the recipient of an unnecessarily flattering phone call earlier in the week. It was from someone in the Golders Green community with whom I was previously unacquainted. He started off the call explaining how he got my number and then proceeded to tell me how amazing I am. He must have gone through four or five different people in the community who all spoke really highly of me and “that’s why I think you’re going to be just perfect for this girl I know.”
“Can I stop you just there?” I interrupted him. I had a feeling where this conversation was headed.
I told him I was really flattered by everything he’d just said. “You see, I’m happily dating a girl at the moment.” I lied.
“Whoever the girl is, she is extremely lucky to be dating you. I am sure that a mazal tov is imminent, but please do get in touch with me if you become available”. I found the compulsive compliments cringe worthy. I assured him I would get back to him if for whatever reason things didn’t work out.
So now – not only do I need to contend with friends’ parents, family members and neighbours coming up with suggestions – now I find myself having to thwart recommendations from perfect strangers!
And I may only have bought myself a couple of weeks. I used the same excuse (that I was in the middle of dating someone) to fend off suggestions from my next door neighbour as well as the neighbour next door to her! Now I get nervous when I walk down my own street in case I bump into them and they want to know how things are going with my date. I can’t keep dating this imaginary girl for too long without an engagement, and if I tell them I’m dating someone else, they’ll be annoyed I didn’t get back to them after the earlier date had fizzled out.
Then of course the flattering phone call itself really hurt. It sort of highlighted the lie I’m living. I doubt very much that any of those people he cited as thinking highly of me would continue to do so if I they were aware of my sexuality. After the call I just cupped my head in my hands and for the first time in a few weeks got all teary-eyed.
It was 9pm. I turned on the television for the news headlines. It was the Australian floods. People missing, communities shattered.
“I have a roof over my head and the carpet under my feet is dry so stop pretending I have it so bad” – I commanded myself.
“Can I stop you just there?” I interrupted him. I had a feeling where this conversation was headed.
I told him I was really flattered by everything he’d just said. “You see, I’m happily dating a girl at the moment.” I lied.
“Whoever the girl is, she is extremely lucky to be dating you. I am sure that a mazal tov is imminent, but please do get in touch with me if you become available”. I found the compulsive compliments cringe worthy. I assured him I would get back to him if for whatever reason things didn’t work out.
So now – not only do I need to contend with friends’ parents, family members and neighbours coming up with suggestions – now I find myself having to thwart recommendations from perfect strangers!
And I may only have bought myself a couple of weeks. I used the same excuse (that I was in the middle of dating someone) to fend off suggestions from my next door neighbour as well as the neighbour next door to her! Now I get nervous when I walk down my own street in case I bump into them and they want to know how things are going with my date. I can’t keep dating this imaginary girl for too long without an engagement, and if I tell them I’m dating someone else, they’ll be annoyed I didn’t get back to them after the earlier date had fizzled out.
Then of course the flattering phone call itself really hurt. It sort of highlighted the lie I’m living. I doubt very much that any of those people he cited as thinking highly of me would continue to do so if I they were aware of my sexuality. After the call I just cupped my head in my hands and for the first time in a few weeks got all teary-eyed.
It was 9pm. I turned on the television for the news headlines. It was the Australian floods. People missing, communities shattered.
“I have a roof over my head and the carpet under my feet is dry so stop pretending I have it so bad” – I commanded myself.
The answer is that one is busy - en route to Australia, married to scholarship, dating books.
ReplyDeleteAccept compliments with proper British reserve. Be modest and happy, not gay.
I'm sorry for you, and I really feel your pain...(I'm a girl)
ReplyDeleteI hear that with the shidduch crisis in the world, guys are getting many more suggestions than girls (confirmed by the fact that I don't get suggestions every week), so they will keep bugging you but you just need to throw them off... (honestly, it's getting ridiculous how desperate people are getting - a complete stranger calling you up!! :p)
And don't worry about the 'lie that you're living' - people always have a different perception of who we are compared to who we really are. For some people, others think they're frum when they're not, for others people think they're intelligent when they're not, and for you, they think you're straight when you're not - it's part of life, so don't let it stress you out too much..the only people who really matter are your family and close friends (those who matter to you).
I read your last post and even though I think that gay Jewish guys should be accepted, I think that if they have bisexual tendencies and the girl knows it and accepts it, they should attempt building a family etc, but only if they think that it's right for them...so I thought it was really sweet that you saw that girl and thought about making it work with her - any chance that might happen? did you tell her about your dilemma over being gay, by the way?
Regards,
Someone who cares.
by the way (it's still me, anonymous from 11:09), I just picked up on your comment about those people in your community who think highly of you and who wouldn't if they knew of your sexuality - I know that what you're going though is really, REALLY tough, and that everyone wants the good opinion of others, but just tell yourself, that if the fact that you're gay would drastically change their opinion of you, then they're just not worthy enough individuals for you to be thinking about or upset by...I know it's hard and against our nature, but if you decide to come out of the closet one day, be true to yourself.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, in case I post again in the futur, I'd like you to know that it's the same person posting again, so I'm going to give myself a name: Rachel
Regards,
Rachel!!
I doubt very much that any of those people he cited as thinking highly of me would continue to do so if I they were aware of my sexuality.
ReplyDeleteAch, painful but true. Unfortunately, for many people gayness is such a big/horrible thing that the moment they learn about you they won't be able to appreciate any of your good qualities. But remember, this reflects on them rather than on you. And eventually, many of those people will think again.
This has happened to me with my parents and several close relatives. When I came out, they felt as if they didn't know me any more (very melodramatic, I know). I'd been hiding from them a part of myself that they couldn't deal with, and that made them wonder if the person they knew was real (in other words: how their nice son/nephew/etc. could possible be such a horrible thing). After some time, most (if not all) of these people realized that YES, I'm the same person and YES, they knew me well... only now they know me a bit better.
Paradoxically, being in the closet (i.e. hiding a part of yourself) for some time makes it possible for certain types of people to know you and appreciate your good qualities. If they'd known from the beginning, they wouldn't have been able to see you without prejudices for who you really are.
Best wishes!
Yacov
There are so many married guys fantasying about someone else. Should they tell their spouses? Should they out themselves and walk away? Should they be true to their passion and lust? Is "gay" identity your essence? Is "gay" what people are? I know the feelings, but can't say this is what I wish to be.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this can work better for you. Find a guy you really like and start dating. When someone would suggest you to get to know this new girl just say "thank you for the offer but I am dating at the moment". In their minds they will assume you are dating a girl, but in actuality it will be a boy, this way you do not have to lie (if lying makes you feel bad).
ReplyDeleteYou and I just seem to be on the same wavelength lately. I started writing a new post, and in looking for another blog, saw you'd posted something again. Still very different posts, but dealing with similar subject matter.
ReplyDeleteI've been there and it sucks! I so wish there was an easy way to deal with this kind of stuff. Maybe you just need to find yourself a beard. Know a gay-friendly (perhaps also queer) girl who'd be your "girlfriend" for the pushy of the world? Worked for the Master (please forgive the dorky Doctor Who reference).
Um....to Questioning Yid: that would only work if the girl is also not wanting to be suggested any shidduchim (quite unlikely considering the nature of girls). Coz if they did do that, people would think that she's also busy. She would also have to be okay with 'publicly' going out with someone, which isn't so common, even in the modern-yeshivish world...
ReplyDeleteAlthough, Yitzi, if you did find someone like that, it would be ideal and buy you so much time! You could spend 6 months 'going out' with her, 2 months 'breaking up' with her, and another 6 months 'getting over it'!!! That's like more than a year that you've bought yourself...
ReplyDeleteYitzi are you not gonna comment on any of these posts?
ReplyDelete